I am by far the laziest cook.  If it can't be microwaved, I want no part of it.  Occasionally I do branch out, but I can't cook anything from scratch.  It's just too much work.  Maybe later in life I can be more motivated and not so lazy, but why cook if everyone else is willing to?

:)

The world is perfect exactly the way it is.  We have pain to remind us to not take feeling well for granted.  We have sadness to give meaning to happiness.  We have loneliness to add value to love.  We have light to lead us from darkness, friends to protect us from enemies.

All of the evil in this world (wars, violence, hunger, slavery, genocide, etc) are things that we as humans created and have to power to stop.  The being that created this place had no intention for these evils to reside here.  Those were the works of man with the absence of God or Allah or whatever name you chose to give to the governing being that reigns over this place.

Poor...

Oh so poor...

I am supposed to be going out tomorrow night, but with the snow, my early St. Patty's Day party might be canceled.  This leaves me with bunch of green stuff... which I have receipts for... so I can buy green beer and have my own party.  Not as Debbie Downer as I thought.

But still, I want to talk to this super cute super nice guy that I met last time at the same place, so.... I really hope I party Friday.  If not, then The Office it is with Jenna and possibly shots.

so i def think that something is wrong with me... again.

i think i am a hypochondriac with all this "i am broken! :O" talk... 

rather annoying.

anyways, i am noticing a pattern reemerging from last semester.  crying at nothing, ignoring my homework, ignoring my checking account, withdrawal from my roommates, getting angry at people that aren't even here, wanting to sleep all the time.  gang's all here.  except my buddy alcohol.  i am trying to get rid of him in times of stress.  so far he's been good at keeping his distance, though i can hear him calling my name in that soft, seductive voice from my fridge.

is it my hair color or my age that makes me an idiot in the eyes of those who believe themselves to be superior to me?  i really want to know so i can overcome it.  my roommate and my step-dad both have the ability to completely shut out everything i have to say and tell me i am wrong in the swift manner a lioness takes down a gazelle. 

oy, metaphors.  though the last is a simile.

I think my apartment is haunted.

No, really, I do.

I am sitting here alone and I am hearing sounds of stuff moving (falling, etc.) and the sounds of someone here other than me, but my roommates are out grocery shopping.


Creepy.

so i need a job.
i have no money.
i am kinda bored.
i am scared to drink again...


the last time i got drunk i got sick.  so naturally i would be rather cautious when pouring my next poison.  but i saw the person that i could become in the future and i didn't like what i saw.  my father has a bit of a drinking problem... okay, it's full blown alcoholism, who are we kidding?  i just don't want to be the drunk girl anymore.  she seems sad and lonely.  people like her enough to help her when she stumbles, but no one seems to love her.

and fucking valentine's day is coming up.  i hate that day.  it's truly stupid how we reserve our true feelings for one day of the year when we should be celebrating our love for one another every SINGLE day, not just february 14th.  oh, and i really am tired of not receiving any love.  last time i checked, i wasn't hideous or was terribly unpleasant to be around and my vagina is not diseased and is in good working order.  it really isn't about the chocolates and flowers.  i promise.

i have moved on from "what is wrong with me?" to "what the hell is wrong with everyone else?".  i think it's because i am a virgin in more ways than one.  i think men can smell it.

maurie told me that taking someone's virginity bears too much responsibility.  this is also coming from the same person who stated that they didn't want to see me just get drunk and give it to some random guy.  i am truly starting to believe it might be one of the easier ways to just get it over and done with.  or maybe even just getting a friend to help me out.

problem is: i am so guarded around anyone with a penis that i really watch what i say and do.  it's like a choreographed chess game where i am always thinking 4 moves ahead and not letting anyone see the complex side of my strategy.  i can't let anyone in.

i am involuntarily celibate.

i keep watching as everyone around me separates off into these neat little pairs, like socks.  they are so cute with their sometimes miss-matched pairings, but i can't help but sit there and think that i might just be that odd sock whose mate got lost in that metaphorical washing machine.

am i too independent? am i oblivious? am i socially inept in that aspect? do men scare me? do i scare men?

i don't want to show them any other emotion apart from happiness for fear that they will think i am an emotional wreck.  nobody wants that person. 

but it's just so damn hard to remain happy all the friggin' time when you feel like you are always being told "no".

so maybe i am insecure. show me someone who isn't and i will eat my laptop.

and possibly kill myself.  it's one of the only things keeping me remotely sane.  that and i feel that i can only go up from here considering that singledom can't get any lonelier.

GOD I'M EMO....

how annoying.

ren·ais·sance (rĕn'ĭ-säns', -zäns', rĕn'ĭ-säns', -zäns', rĭ-nā'səns)
n.

1. A rebirth or revival.

[French, from Old French, from renaistre, to be born again, from Vulgar Latin *renāscere, from Latin renāscī : re-, re- + nāscī, to be born.]

i am trying something new. 

i will place my trust in someone else.  i will let him lead.  i have to let him lead to show him that i want him to.  i want to show him that i want him to.

i will wait two seconds to respond to everyone.  i will think about what i have to say.  i will smile.  i will be confident.  i will be poise.

i can do this.

so i def slept in someone else's bed the other night.

i woke up the next  morning knowing how i got there, but not knowing what i was doing.  is this how i am going to live the rest of my life: drinking with some guys who are friends of mine, then crashing at their place while they sleep over at their lover's?  a pretty lonely existence if you ask me.  sounds like the beginnings of a whore.

i know what life i want for myself.  i want to be close to someone and i want them to be close to me.  i just can't bring myself to say what i feel.  i can't express that desire.  i am terrified of the embarrassment that would bring.  i keep seeing all of these examples of what not to do when you are interested in someone or of what not to do in a relationship. 

i keep digging this hole for myself that i am forever trying to climb out of.  i just can't seem to get a grip when i am around him.  i try so hard and just keep failing miserably.  i give up.

do you ever get the feeling that this world sometimes isn't real?

it hits me hardest when i am drunk...i guess that's a given, but i mean that everything about this place isn't real.  everything seems so made up: love, work, play, school, class, manners, books, history, weather...everything. how do we know that everything that happens here on earth is the truth? when people leave to go to other places, how do we know that they don't just stop existing until they "come back"? how do we know that there aren't just places people made up and gave histories to?

we trust so much to be the truth. but what if it isn't?

my roommate is ridiculous.  she gets bitchy for no reason.  i was just talking to her and she is acting all pissed off for no reason.  she just gets annoyed with me, especially if i don't know where something is or what's going on.  i dunno what the hell her problem is.

i think she is jealous or something.  excuse me if i go out and have fun on the weekends. excuse me if i have more money than her. excuse me if i don't know everything about the universe.

bitches.

how freaking hard is it to put your dishes in the dishwasher?

it's not difficult, unless i am wrong.  but if you can put your dishes in the sink, you can put them in the dishwasher. don't leave them for your nice roommate to do. side effects of leaving dishes in sink include: getting bitched at, rising tension, and death.

thank you.

it's funny that my sn is the greek goddess of the hunt, but i feel like prey.

i always have to be someone to everyone else.  i put on different masks to satisfy the needs of others for me to be the person they expect.  i have to be a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teammate.  i can never just be myself.  i am afraid that people wouldn't accept me if they knew who i really was.  i just found out that the guy i like doesn't like loud girls.  i am pretty outgoing... loud though? maybe.

i keep doing this to myself.  i like a guy and get to know him, but then i kill the relationship before it ever gets started.  i prefer to just watch from afar and imagine what it would be like to hold his hand... to talk... to go out to dinner...to kiss.  i tell myself it would never work out and resign myself to being satisfied by these imaginings.  i feel so pathetic.  here i am: nineteen and one of "those" girls.  i never wanted to be one of those girls.  in middle school i was, in high school people still saw me that way, and now in college i hide that part of my life all the while praying that no one finds me out.  i am like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

i refuse to make the first move.  i don't call guys, even my friends.  i talk myself out of flirting to the point where i simply don't speak.  no one knows how alone i feel.  it's hard to see people walking around in pairs and not think, "why can't that be me?"  people were meant to come in pairs.  i am just so afraid that i am the odd one.

i just don't want to be that crazy girl. but i have a feeling that i am her.